A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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