So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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