They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
