if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
