I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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