i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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