If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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