My boss' voice literally gives me gas
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
