Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
