Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
