It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
