oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
