That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
