someone threw a dead crab at me
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize