I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
