Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
