If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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