whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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