I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
