My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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