Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Someone came in the potted fern
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
