so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
