I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
