I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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