so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
