So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
