i love accidental penises.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
