Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
