i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
