Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
