Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
