is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
