And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
