I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Randomize
