I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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