if i can run in heels then i can drive
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
