my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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