I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
