I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
