I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
