Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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