Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
