she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
