This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
