I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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