I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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