is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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