I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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