don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
