I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
