I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
