I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize