i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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