i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
