There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
