This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Shame is for Republicans.
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