when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
