If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
