I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
