Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So many bounce houses so little time
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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