No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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