I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
