There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
