Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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