Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
